How long can I keep dreaming?

Rant Post. Beware.

Got a few things on my mind the past few days....some I can say some I'd rather keep to myself for now....even though it might gnaw away at me inside....grr. Just going to voice out my own inner voices and feelings tonight...it's depressing, it's about me me me....I don't need criticism and I don't need pep talks. I have my other inner voices to do that. It's just because if I don't write it out somewhere....I'll explode.

This whole dance affair thing is getting a little depressing personally. Don't know why I'm so low and unmotivated to keep trying lately. As I go for whatever few classes I can outside and I see the people getting younger and younger and all with so much potential and ability, I question my own self. I'm too soft, too weak, too subdued.

Then I look at current and new instructors starting out at studios and other places and they all made it there because they shone and stood out in choreography, performances and competitions. They make people sit up and take notice. Then i can't help but look at myself...I'm too busy teaching outside, I don't go for enough classes, competitions or shows. I feel like I'm being left behind. After being out there for a while already, I'm still stuck....and I worry alot of late that my classes are just not good enough...Darn my attitude and darn my mentality.

I'm feeling a little tired, don't know if I have the discipline and the drive to keep pushing and finding ways to improve, to catch up, to stand out anymore....how long can I keep this up? Would going away for 3 months even make a difference? Am trying to be positive but the doubt has always been an issue....

How long can I keep dreaming?


******

And I don't understand why instead of feeling better after I call hoping for some tenderness, I end up feeling EVEN worse. I'm not a student sitting for a lecture you know...

Fork it.