Am I too jaded?
Lately I feel as if I've gone back to the days where I was very closed off and detached from people I meet. I'm not a very open and talkative person by nature and most of the time i feel very awkward trying to communicate with people I meet, new faces especially. Therefore, I keep quiet.
I want so much to be able to connect and to communicate freely with others and to show them who I really am, yet I am afraid I will say or do the wrong things and leave a bad impression and that makes me uncomfortable. Also as a cancer, I have tendencies to feel uneasy when in unfamiliar ground. I've always been more comfortable with close friends and even with them, I was still learning to speak my thoughts to them openly at times.
When I started teaching as a dance instructor, I gained confidence from having to speak out and relate to a studio full of people and things got better. I could approach people and start a casual conversation. I found myself being able to connect with others without feeling as awkward and people dear to me told me they were proud.
"She's beginning to come out of her shell"
Some things have happened since then and I've realised how easily things can just fall apart, no matter how steadfast we all thought they were and that when things break, there will be a flaw even after you manage to piece things back together. It is no longer the same thing it was before. In my case, it is something called friendship. There are also people who are like the phrase "what you see is not what you get" and I got a small taste of that as well.
Nowadays, I feel tired of trying to build new connections. I clamp up. The feeling of insecurity and uneasiness has started to build up again. I'm even tired of trying to rebuild fading connections even if they may mean a lot to me. I see no point in saving something that someone else let go off so easily. I want to go out, meet new people, start an interesting conversation but the truth is, I am afraid.
Afraid of getting hurt.
Afraid of being played.
Afraid of being made into a fool.
Afraid of being left behind once more.
"If fear is stopping you from doing the things you want to do, then you are not truly living."
"But not everyone can become the hero they need to be."
People are beginning to scare me. Heck, I scare myself. Even on this blog, I sometimes hesitate to speak my mind on certain issues because of their sensitivity to others.
But at least tonight, I spoke my mind. my heart. my soul.
"If anyone feels uneasy about what I have posted tonight, ask yourself why."
"Are you a broken piece?"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
harlow! I'm also a shy person..to the point that when I speak out something I feel strongly about, I actually feel the urge to scrunge up my face and start to cry, even when I'm talking to my parents, bf, anyone...So I sort of stay neutral, act wacky sometimes, coz I dun wan to scare others. I find blogging a much better, safer way of expressing myself.. but ya, I've got to conquer this thing somehow. So I'll be going through the 'instructor' stage sometime soon. I'll emerge stronger through this!
and just want to say, I feel that you're not being a hero when you want to truly start living. you're just remembering that you've got the right to be happy.
Post a Comment